Not enough

I'm well over 100% sure that its the lack of sleep and the blur that comes along with newbabyhood, but I've been struggling with feeling Not Enough lately. Often its just Not Rested Enough, but when the sleep deprivation gets really bad, generally once 2 in the morning has come and gone and I haven't gotten any sleep and have been walking the (otherwise screaming) baby for quite literally hours upon hours back and forth in the otherwise still house, then the Not Enough feelings morph into something a little more sinister.

Not Crunchy Enough, Not Conservative Enough, Not Green Enough, Not Religious Enough, Not Hippy Enough, Not American Enough, Not Crafty Enough, Not Farmer Enough. I don't generally doubt my Mama Enough, Gardener Enough, or my basic Katy Enough, the things I thankfully feel pretty secure in. But the other things? The things that once the tired bug wears me down I worry about friends or potential friends or heck even strangers caring about? Yup, those Not Enoughs bite me with a vengeance when I'm tired.

Give me a bit of rest and I once again bounce back and remember that comparing myself to others never gets me anywhere, and that most importantly, just because X person or friend is More X than me, doesn't mean I need to be more that way, or even that they would like me any more if I was more like them. But the tired bug... whoowe does it do a number on me.

What I've found to be the best cure is to get back to my good ole before-kids-came-along-to-wear-me-down roots. For me right now, with 2 littles to juggle, that means spending some time in the garden, getting the house a bit tidied up, and doing a bit of creative organizing or rearranging. That generally gives me the space to feel more solidly grounded, remember who I am, and help me to remember that if I really want to be More of something, it isn't that I'm Not Enough now, its that life is a journey, and maybe I'm not there yet, so all I need to do is head that direction.

Generally that is enough to make me see that most of those Not Enoughs aren't things I remotely care about being More of. Other of those things are things that I am comfortable where I'm at on the spectrum of Enough. And a few of those things are things that I'm working (often very slowly) towards being More of, but (normally!) content where I'm at on that trail. If I'm still needing more help to feel Enough, then I spend a little bit of time (as time allows!) working on what seems like the next steps to being More, which today meant starting to rearrange the kitchen cupboards a bit to emphasize the 'from scratch' food ingredients and tuck away the cans and boxes.

So yes, boo to the tired bug, and here's to believing you are Enough! (cause no matter what, you are!)